lydia's thoughts

Prayer Partner

2012-02-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

More than a friend
Where 2 or 3 are gather
There I am also
Nice to have someone
To lift me up
To pray for different
Things that I don't think of
I look forward
To these calls
Meeting of the minds
Binding of the hearts
Let me always
Be worthy of your friendship
For I need you
More than you need me
How awesome
That God has sent you into my life
I am grateful for you
Today and everyday

Today's song is

Blessing

2012-02-22T04:38:00.000-08:00

Let me never be afraid
Of the blessings that you give
If you didn't want me to have them
I would not receive them
Let me seek your face
If I am afraid
You have surrounded me
With Godly friends
On them I can run to
For the prayer I seek
With my heart beating fast
Knowing it is just the devil
Making me afraid
You've got me in the palm of your hand
When I am afraid
I will trust in you
For you have not given us
A spirit of fear
The trials that I am to pass through
Are to increase my faith in you
Never let me look down or around
For I will lose sight of you
More importantly I may get dizzy and fall
When I am at my weakest
You are there to carry me
Help me to believe this
Just for today

This is the song for today it's an old one but still relevant today:)

The Friends We've Lost

2012-02-21T02:59:00.000-08:00

I hate my disease
It took another one
Back out the door
Running on self-will
Not completing something
That you started
You know your best chance for survival
Was in this protected environment
When I think of leaving this place
I get shaky knees
Even though we've had our differences
I still wouldn't want you to go back out
To that old lifestyle again
I don't want you to die in your disease
A funeral I don't want to attend
We tried to hold onto you
But you turned away
From the outstretched hands
Offered in love from the heart
Why couldn't you stay
The disease had you blinded
I hurt for you
Because that's the person I am
May God protect you
In the pathways of your life
Wherever that may lead
I hope you see the truth
Some sweet day
To see you on Heaven's shore
On the day that we shall see Jesus face to face
Go with God, my friend

Here is my song for today which is:
Go Light Your World

Fearing the Future

2012-02-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

My goal is within reach
Then why am I left
Quaking with fear
Scared of success
For that would mean responsibility
Returning to the grown-up world
Full of bills to be paid
Things that have to be done
I am more frightened
Of losing my faith
My stronghold in my recovery
For prosperity takes my focus
Off the cross that saved me
I have been there before
God was not top priority
What if it happens again
If I don't have God
Then my life is worth
Less than nothing
For failure to rely on self
Brings victory in Jesus
I want to live my life for God
Never letting busyness
Take my time away from my study
Of the truths not of this world
So much is happening
At a rate faster than I expected
Emotions well up making me weak
Keep me near the cross
That I may never lose my memories
Of the pain I suffered in my addiction
For I can never forget the pain of the past
If my future is to be bright
Always the cross before me
The world behind me
In my uphill journey to recovery
Hold my hand Jesus
For I am full of fear
Of what the future holds
Give me peace of mind
Just for today

Today's song is Near the Cross :)

Seeking Love

2012-02-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

Looking for Love
In all the wrong places
Never finding what I seek
What will fill this hole
Inside my immortal soul
The author of love can
My Savior and friend
Nothing in this world
Will suffice to fill that special place
That He designed for Himself
Only will He quench the thirsting of my soul
Nothing the Earth can provide
Can satisfy my hungering
I have though about me
For way too long
Through my addiction
Give me that special love
That is better than any love
That human beings can provide
I will be filled up
Giving so freely
That no one will recognize me
For my selfishness
Will disappear will like chaff in the wind
Fill me up Lord
Till I want no more
Always let me hunger and thirst
For the things that only you can provide

The song today is about how much God loves us:

Sabbath Walk

2012-02-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

I am physically exhausted
Struggling to get out of bed
My mind going constantly
I can't shut it off
Landing on one worry then another
I get up and start my day
Would much rather be in bed
I have to force myself
To go out the door to walk
I don't start my music
Thinking that I will talk to God
For just a few minutes
To lay my burdens at His feet
I pour out my heart to Him
Everything that is causing me to be anxious
All the possibilities that might happen
My future job responsibilities
I lay at His feet
My overwhelming emotions about my children
I lay in His hands
I talk to Him like a human friend
Letting my mind take the course it may
Crying for peace and strength
To carry my duties
That it may glorify Christ my King
I never want to go backwards
To the person I was before
Never losing sight of the Cross and Thistle
That saved me from certain death
I talk to Him through my whole walk
Telling Him all my worries
How do I know that He heard
There is peace in my soul
Strength in my limbs
To carry on my recovery
Just for Today

The Song for today is:
A little talk with Jesus

Forgiveness

2012-02-17T04:37:00.000-08:00

Lord, let me forgive
As you forgave me
People may not deserve it
But neither did I
What did I do
That since before the foundations
Of this world was laid
You had a plan
To come here to save us all
You knew when you created this world
That you would die on Calvary's tree
You am I that you should forgive me
So, who am I to judge another
No way shape of form
Did I deserve grace and mercy
Yet you gave it to me anyways
Lord infuse in me your spirit
That I might forgive others their trespasses
If I don't forgive
You won't forgive me
Who am I that you should be mindful of me
Let me learn this life lesson
That I may carry it to all areas of my life
That your spirit may radiate from my face
Let me be forgiving just for today
Because I have been forgiven much

Today's song is by Jeremy Camp:)

2012-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

La dia de lluvias
Es triste y grises
El sol esta camino todos los dias
Ella caminas en de lluvias
Escuche la musica de country
Como te sientes
Yo senties libre
Gracias de Dios
Para de sol and lluvia
Gracias los parajos
Cantar en de arboles
Yo sientes la primavera conmigo
El césped es verde
El clima es hace calor
Gracias de Dios
Gracias por todo

La cancion de hoy es:

Ugly

2012-02-15T04:41:00.000-08:00

Why do people have to be so mean
Showing the ugly side
Of their personalities
Do you really need to hurt me
I am really trying here
Can't you see
My family is a painful area
That would make me relapse
But I can't go back
To my using and boozing
I've turned a corner
My life awaits
I am living
For the first time
I am drawing meaning
From my personal relationship with God
I have so many people that care
I am getting my career back
Friends that will rescue me
When I miss the bus
What a close relationship
I have with people
Now that my using days are gone
I just hurt
Because I want my family
To accept me so bad
Knowing that it will never happen
Makes me want to weep
In utter frustrated
All I've ever wanted
Is for you to love me
I know I've hurt you
But I've changed
Won't you at least give me a chance
Lord, soothe my hurts
Lay your healing balm on my soul
I love them so much
Help me to forgive
Let me show them
That Jesus resides in me
Don't let the ugly
Rub off on me

When I am hurting
That Jesus came to die
Just for little old me
Today's song is from Casting Crowns

Doing For Others

2012-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

This is my day
To serve others
As my Savior
Did for me
Reaching out to those in need
Being Jesus in tennis shoes
Giving back that's what it's all about
To return what has been freely given to me
Also to be around people
Living out their faith
Just not in words
But in their actions
Also, to be around people of like mindedness
Wanting to help people
Getting satisfaction from meeting basic needs
Jesus took care of people
Why shouldn't I?

Monday

2012-02-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

God, How I hate 'em
The weekend is gone away
With it's relaxing feel
Time to start the week
More about what you have to do
Than what you want to do
Making it worse
It's cold outside
I feel like throwing a fit
Just laying down on the ground
Crying and Screaming to my hearts content
Late to bed
Early to rise
The things that need to be done
Lay before me
Seemingly impossible
Like a trip to the Sun
Weekday hours are not my own
Responsibilities need to be met
This day is just the start
Of the things that need to accomplished
It's always hard to start something
But once you get it going
It's not that bad
I tell myself this every Monday
Still I drag myself through the day
Another Monday of Madness
Do I pass through

Today's Song is:Light the Fire Again

A poem for Shannan

2012-02-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

A harsh jail cell you sit
Probably freezing half to death
Sitting on a steel slab
No one looking at you
Could understand that your free
Truly free indeed
In your spirit where it counts
You are flying high
On the wings of Eagles
In the infinite blue sky
Feel the rush of the wind
Under your wings
Dance on the air currents
Letting your heart soar
Beyond the reaches of this galaxy
Look around you as you fly
Below the ground stretches out
Like the pieces of a patchwork quilt
You are more than happy
Feeling joy in every fiber of your being
The playful wind taking you where it may
No worries do you have
Feel the touch of God
On your immortal soul
Look at you my friend
Freedom do you find
From the troubles of this world
No one can tell
By just looking at you
That you have found your true Freedom
Fly high--Fly Well
My good friend

This song I found on You Tube about Eagles:

The Valentine's Dinner

2012-02-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

Travel with me if you will
To the orient on Valentine's Day
A special social at the church
Decorated to look like a Chinese garden
White paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling
Red tablecloths grace the tables
Origami birds of white and red
Hang from the ceiling on strings
Glass bowls with tea lights
Strategically placed on the tables
Inside are rocks of white,clear, and red
Also, are tiny origami bird of mostly white and red
Chinese was on the menu
So many delicious dishes
Music from the orient plays in the background
What a beautiful settings
Even more lovely are the people
Talking and laughing with each other
Binding hearts together
I think it's worth the time and effort
For these special events
I know I walked away from it
Feeling closer to the people in my church
Making me more connected with God
All due to a dinner in the orient

Here is some classical Chinese music

Cold Snap

2012-02-10T03:51:00.000-08:00

Winter was losing the battle
The grass was greening
Daffodils sticking their shy heads out
The sky even seemed prettier
Warm weather caressed your skin
Soft gentle breezes blew
Then old man winter
Comes stomping back in
Breathing cold fire
Down the backs of our necks
People don't know
What to expect
So, you see one person in shorts
Then you see a person bundled up in a coat
Long johns reappear
Hats and gloves galore
Trying to endure
Till the weather breaks again
I wish I could hibernate
I hate winter with a passion
Especially in the South
I must endure till the bitter end
For I have no choice
The cold snaps
Are the absolute worst
'Cause you can hear
The warm days of Spring
Calling out your name

Today's Song is Selah--You Raise me Up

Maybe a blessing in disguise

2012-02-08T03:44:00.000-08:00

My wallet went missing Sunday
What a panic as I frantically searched
All the places I had been
Retracing my steps
To see if I could find my wallet
I sent several prayers heavenward
Thinking that God didn't love me anymore
I had a stinking attitude
For a couple of hours
Then I talked to Him
Accepted that this was for the best
That all things work together
For Good to those that love the Lord
It doesn't say some things
Clearly states all things
Yes, without my identification
I feel like I'm back in my using day
Always running around without papers
Trying to duck and dodge the police
Today my life has changed
I can see where this might benefit me
Learning patience with the minor details of life
This I'm not good at
That's the reason God put this in my life
So, thank you God for everything
Both the good and bad
The ups and downs
Let me always be grateful
No matter what life
Puts in my pathway

The song for today is:
Selah--Through it all

Through It All

I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong

I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word

So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word
Yes, I've learned to depend upon His Word
I've learned to depend upon His Word

Christian Music Lyrics by: Gospel Music

Too Early

2012-02-07T02:29:00.000-08:00

I here the door alarm go beep,beep
Who is at the door this time of morning
I squint at the clock it's 3:02
Scared to death
Laying here with my heart pounding
My roommates in bed fast asleep
Snoring her little heart out
Now, I remember
A new housemate!
To go out the door and smoke
I lay there for a few minutes
Then I know---DAMMIT!
I will never get back to sleep
So, I roll out to start the day
Can take it nice and slow
No need to rush
Got all kinds of time
Before I have to step out the door
Here I am trying to find some gratitude
For waking up this early
Make sure I'm all together
For the mental strain
Of what I got to do today
Lord, help me to be thankful
That I have a healthy body to walk
A good mind to deal with stress
Let me be patient with others today
May others see my Jesus

In all I do today

My song for today is---Kirk Franklin I smile

A weekend away

2012-02-06T05:05:00.000-08:00

I am anxious to get out of here
Tired of this place
Need rest for my soul
A place of peace and quiet
Out in country away from everything
Didn't do much
Except enjoy the outdoors
Rode horse for the first in forever
Got on a bike
I haven't done that since I was a kid
Went to church as usual
Most of all
I enjoyed the peace and quiet
Nourishment for my soul
Thank you God
For a good sponsor
A good friend
To welcome me in their home
I am grateful for the small things today
Just what I needed
A weekend away

The Belt

2012-02-03T04:38:00.000-08:00

I hate belts with a passion
But, I've lost so much weight
That I am reduced to wearing one
So, I can wear my favorite skirt
This is painful progress
My dad wears a belt
He wore one my whole childhood
A big thick leather belt
With an even bigger buckle
He use to take that thing off
To beat me whenever he got mad
Which was a whole lot
For you see, he was not addict to a substance
But was addicted to a feeling
That burned away everything in it's path
He was a rageaholic that thrived on anger
I think that he came up with excuses to get mad
He favorite was his blood sugar
For he was an insulin dependent diabetic
He controlled all of us through his disease and belt
It was his way or the belt
Sometimes it was even the fist
I still hear that sound in my dreams
The slide sound of the belt
Leaving the loops on his pants
When you heard that sound
You better run as fast as you can
It didn't matter which end
He hit you with
The buckle or the leather
All that matter was that he hit you
His face would be contorted with rage
This evil smile would slide on his face
When he would make connection with the belt
He was angry all the time
Blowing up over the most minor of things
Everything was a crisis
If a meal was 10 minutes late
You knew that somebody was going to pay
I was beat more than most
Because I was his favorite
Doesn't make any sense does it
Now you know the reasons
That I hate belts
But I am growing
'Cause I'm wearing one today
No matter the mental pain
God give me strength to do this today

I providing the link to the local chapter
For the society to prevent child abuse
www.pcat.org

Here is my song for today :
Casting Crowns Make us Courageous

Dealing with the Government

2012-02-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

Up at the crack of dawn
At the government office at 6:30 AM
Line at the door
Crawling mass of humanity
Herding us through line like cattle
Velvet roped chutes to guide the way
Your just a number here my friend
Another piece of paper
That has to be dealt with
Forgotten at the end of the day
Go to sit down in the waiting room
This section is closed
Empty seats galore
You gotta sit over there
Where the people are crowded together
Like a rat infested tenement slum
So many different hurting faces
All these people in desperate need
Coming here to these offices in humiliation
Begging scrapes from the master's table
Further degradation do I suffer
Not enough that I am a number
278 to be matter of fact
I am treated less than human
Made to wait hours and hours
With nary a soft chair in sight
Screaming children galore
Can't even fake that this is pleasant
If you've been there you know what I mean
However, this is the price you must pay
If you want the help they offer
To be able to feed yourself
I wish it didn't cost so much
To my already battered self-esteem
I will endure this
For I have to you see
Since I have no other options
One fine day in the near and bright future
I will beg no more
This I do promise myself
As I sit here for another hour
Then maybe I can have my humanity back

In a side note--For all those that follow my blog. I am going to be contributing the Thistle Farms blog soon. We are in the planning stages for opening Thistle Stop Cafe which will be a new restaurant endeavor by the Magdalene community. It will be located at 5122 Charlotte Pike opening in September this year. We will be having a fundraiser on April 11,2012. Look for more details on my blog and at

Today's song is from one of my favorite Christian artists:))
Nicol Sponberg--All Things New

February

2012-02-01T05:34:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday month
Suppose to be the dead of winter
With snow laying on the ground
Wrapped up in layers of clothes
Instead there's a warm Spring rain falling
At the start of my walk
There was a little drop here and there
No umbrella really required
Nearing the end
A steady stream was falling
Like somebody turned on the water faucet
Next, came the wind
Making it rain sideways
Leaving me sputtering and blinded
From the splashes in my face
What really frightened me
Was the lightning
Like somebody turning on the high beams in the sky
For brilliant splashes of light
That momentarily blinds you
Jumping out of my skin
With each boom of the thunder
I didn't like being out in the open
Afraid and unprotected from the wrath
Of mother nature's fury
A freak early Spring rain
What a beginning to February
I enjoy it though
Thank you God
For a mild winter

This is my song for today :0
God of Wonders by Third Day

Soft

2012-01-31T05:39:00.001-08:00

I am not soft anymore
I like to think
That I can stand
On my own two feet
Yet their is a dependence
That I need to strive
To have every day
I can never loose my need
For the God of my understanding
Then I am back
In the hell of my own making
Living in my self-will
Doing what I want to do
Damn everybody else
Or what they might need
I depend on Him to keep me safe
For I walk in dangerous neighborhoods
Cautious but not afraid
Because--It says in the Book
The Angel of the Lord
Encampes round about those
That fear Him and love Him
I am a young sapling Chestnut
Rare and beautiful
Growing in the Sunlight
Of my God's love
I am no longer
A tiny soft seed
Refusing to grow
Let me nurture myself today
So, that I may reach the infinite sky

Here is my song for today:0
Martina McBride--I'm Gonna Love You Through It

I was Fooled

2012-01-30T05:47:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, the joke was on me
I put on my clothes as usual
Putting on my light thermals
The I checked the weather
It was 30 degrees
Time for me to change
I head out for my walk
There's a frost on the ground
Making the grass sparkle
Reflecting back the light
With tiny diamonds on the blades
Cars are covered with the ice
Time to warm up the car
Scrap the windows
In the bitter cold
At least it's not windy
My how the wind blew yesterday
The sun seems to want to stay in bed today
It usually is beginning to get light by now
I walk on my feet pounding out a rhythm
More aggravation this morning
Can't get my favorite radio station
All mundane things that seem to aggravate this morning
Not hardly a soul out this morning
Nobody out for their exercise
Or walking the dog
Dead of winter
I long for it to go away
At least it will be warm this afternoon
Thank You God, for the whisper of Spring

This is my song for today:0
Jaci Velasquez--Give Them Jesus

Longing for Spring

2012-01-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

I wish for the changing of the seasons
I'm sick to death of old man Winter
He's not been so grumpy
This season of hats and gloves
Layers of clothes
Coats having us wrapped up
Like polar ice cap Eskimos
There have been bright days
That tease our senses
Making us yearn for the changing
The greening of the grass
New tiny buds on the flowers
My soul craves the planting of flowers
Oh how I love to play in the dirt
The delicious ache in my bones
From the overwork from gardening
That smell of dirt and flowers
No costly perfume could ever replace
Even this season of cold and hibernation
I go out of doors
To the great wide open space
That can I find in the city
For I remember too well my friend
Being trapped being locked doors
Where I didn't see the sky for months
Spring to me, is like my release
The opening of the prison doors
For me to walk as a free woman again
To be free in spirit and body
Truly free indeed

This is my song for today:0
Garth Brooks--We shall Be Free

The Last Cigarette

2012-01-28T06:32:00.000-08:00

I stand in celebration
For an ending
What you must say
Endings are suppose to be sad
Not this one though
I made up my mind
With the help of a few friends
Of course with diligent prayers
Easy it was not
People all around
Huffing and puffing their lives away
Drawing poison in their bodies
With each inhale they take
Did I stop all at once
No, it was a hard process
The benefits have been well worth
The price that I had to pay
My inhalers I have thrown away
The money I threw away
Is now in my pocket
Another break in the chains
That addiction held me fast so long
I stand in victory today
Lifting my voice in praise
To the One that made it possible
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
To tell others of the battle
That you have given to me
Always upward to new battles
Of spiritual warfare I must climb

Here is my song for today
Mighty to Save by Hillsong :)

Standing

2012-01-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

For the first time
In my life really
I am standing for what I believe
No compromises whatsoever
I care about people
Their beliefs are not my own
My religion is not main stream
We are called to a unique people
I received a great compliment
That I had an reverent glow about my face
Hallelujah, Jesus is shinning in me
I may know not the words to say
However, I can be a silent witness
A life well lived for Him
Interacting with the world
But not being a part of the world
It is hard at times to be different
You so desperately want to fit in
That you want to be like everybody else
Jesus calls us higher and higher
We must climb our spiritual mountains
For in our personalities
Christians are shaping them for eternity
Just let others see Jesus in me
Everyday in everything I do
Do not let me ashamed of my best friend
The one who died for me on Calvary's tree
Jesus my Savior to me

This is my song for today:)

Leaning

2012-01-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

I can't be independent
By the world's definition
Surrendering my will daily
To my Father in Heaven
When I get in self will
My life goes crazy
I want to live for You
However, my pride gets in the way
Saying I can do this on my own
You bring me to my knees
For when I am troubled
I turn to You for comfort
Always I need to look up
For the directions to the map
That my life road takes
Because you remember when I was born
You know the day I will die
The Alpha and Omega
You gave me the breath of life
Why do I think that I don't owe You my life
The great deceiver whispers in my ear
Look how good you are doing
I will always stumble and fall
For I have to lean on my Master's arms
Every step of the way
In my daily walk with Him

This is my song for today:
Leaning on the everlasting arms

Grateful

2012-01-24T05:16:00.000-08:00

Lord, I want to be petty today
I want to excuse my bad behavior
Because of sickness or lack of sleep
Yet what do I really have to complain about
A home when people are sleeping on the street
When it is below freezing outside
Good food in my belly
When 1 out of 3 Tennessean children
Are struggling with hunger
In one of the most prosperous nations
In our world today
The ability to move my limbs
When are soldiers are confined
To wheelchairs for serving their country
Clean water to drink
When I turn on the faucet
Not really thinking when I do
That others struggle to find water
To prevent them from dying of dehydration
A chance at a new beginning
When I know I don't deserve it
Because of my addictions
Yes Lord, I am human
Fragile that I am
Let me remember that my life
Is not my own
I represent You in everything that I do
Help me to rely on your strength
For the things that I need to do today
When I am weak
Your spirit will shine through

Here is my song for today:

Real Friends

2012-01-23T00:54:00.000-08:00

Won't go away
Even if you tell them to
Will call you
When you don't call them
Misses your presence
Even when nobody else does
Prays for you through every crisis
Whether big or small
Helps you when your in need
Whether you want it or not
Really cares for you
When nobody else does
These are the life lessons
That I learned
While in bed sick
What can you say
That you learned while you where sick

Proverbs 18:4 is an appropriate verse for today:
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Sickness

2012-01-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

No, not a chronic one
Or even an acute one
Just an annoying little cold
Will I be able to handle it with grace
Or will it ignite a fire in my bones
For using to ease the pain
Cause that's one thing I can't stand
To suffer like that long term
I don't think I could do it
That's always been a trigger for me
With a loaded gun already in place
These things happen though
No matter what we do to prevent them
There's still germs in the world
However, I feel like I failed somehow
With my improvement in health status
The mild winter we are having
I should not be getting sick
Knowing people will be looking my way
To see how I handle this small tribulation
For everything I do
Reflects back on my master
Give me patience Lord
When my temper flares
Give me strength Lord
That I may make it through this day
For every move I make in this day
Is not just for me
It is for you
Being a silent witness to my great faith
Hold me close
Especially today for I am feeling especially weak

Here is a Bible verse for today:)
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
(Psalm 91:5,6)

Sleepless

2012-01-17T05:05:00.000-08:00

I want to sleep
Yet I can't
Noise abounds in the house
The door closes
Smothering in the heat
Can't get comfortable
Tossing and Turning
Looking at the clock
Only seems like I've been asleep 5 minutes
Hours rushing by
No relief do I find
Giving up and getting up
When I could have slept a little late
Frustration oozes from every pore
Maybe tonight will be better
Hope springs eternal in my chest
Day will drag on and on
Till I drop from exhaustion
No use complaining
No one cares anyways
Just another day
Lord, I don't mean to be bitter
Can't she turn off that TV for one night
I just want to sleep
Let me find oblivion tonight

Here is my prayer for today
Prayer For Patience

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow,
Teach me how to wait on You when my way I do not know.

Teach me sweet forbearance when things do not go right
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.

Teach me how to quiet my racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.

Teach me to let go, dear God, and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace and I learn to know your will.

- written by Helen Steiner Rice

A Tribute to a Great Man

2012-01-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

He died too soon
Imagine what our world
Would be like
If He was still here
To lead us toward the dream
Things are still not the way
That they should be
We have been set free
From our bondage in spiritual Egypt
Yet we still wander in the desert
The promised land still awaits
No matter the shouts
That everyone has the opportunity
To get a slice of the American dream
Fall short we do in a lot of things
He words echo down the ages
I have a dream, I have a dream
The dream is yet to be totally fulfilled
Progress we have made
Today we sit in remembrance
Of a life cut short by hatred
Yet they could not kill his dream
With the dying of his body
We are still striving toward that elusive goal
That we shall be totally free
To be what God intended us to be

Here is a transcript of Dr.King's famous
I have a dream speech

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."2

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!3

Twilight

2012-01-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

As I finish my walking
for this Sunday
The shadows are lengthening
Sky is turning to gray
Day has turned her face away
To the bed she is going
Blushing as she changes
The clouds turn to bruises
On the sky above
People walk faster
With the night coming on
Suddenly appearing out of the shadows
Not looking you in the eye
As they pass down
The opposite side of the street
As I continue on
The light fades to nothing
The velvet night sky appearing
In all her glory with sparkles of stars
The street lights are on
With pools of yellowish light
I am not afraid
But I am cautious
As I am more aware of my surroundings
Yet I know my angels walk with me
As I head for home
A peaceful end
To a peaceful day

Determination

2012-01-13T05:10:00.000-08:00

I must go upward
To put one's hand to change
Then to look back
Is not fit to move forward
Blister on the bottom of my foot
I walk anyways
Rain pouring down in buckets
I walk anyways
It is 16 degrees outside
I walk anyways
People telling me I can't
I walk anyways
People saying it's not safe
I carry a knife AND
I walk anyways
Just like my addiction
I had to walk away
Change my whole life
From the bottom to the top
Left everything I knew
I walked away
Now my life is richer
Than I could ever imagine
The Lord called me out of that land
I am obeying
He is leading me
Where I don't know
But I know He is in control
So, just for today
I walk anyways

So, Here is my song for today:-)

Thank You

2012-01-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

Do I ever pause for a moment
To think of the things
That He is doing in my life
For hanging on that tree
If it was just for me
That He is in Heaven
Preparing a home for me
What a job He has
Building homes for all of us
I laugh when I think of angels
Carrying around saws and hammers
Working on our houses
More importantly do I really pause everyday
Not to just pray for the things
I think that I may need
Lift my voice in praise
For all the things that He has done
The God that created the universe
Is interested in me
On this small planet
That is just a speck in the great cosmos
All the universe is watching us
While the great drama of the ages
Is unfolding here on Earth
Am I proud of someone watching me
Or hang my head in shame
My words should be of praise
Instead of complaining how hard life is
God puts a hedge of protection around us
Do you ever stop for one minute
To think about He loving protective care
I just have 2 words
That I really need to say today
THANK YOU!

Flooding

2012-01-11T05:49:00.000-08:00

Let it rain down on me
Washing me with a cleansing flood
Your spirit saturating every pore of my life
Let not one dry area remain
No gentle rain given to me
Just barely getting the surface wet
Let it pour down on me
Leaving huge puddles everywhere
When the sun does shine again
There be reservoirs from which I can draw
When the cares of life press in
Let me draw strength from these
That no matter what life brings to me
Others may see what the Spirit
Has done for a wretch like me
For only through the water
Has God given me new life
Drowning my sins in the baptismal font
To the promised latter rain
That brings forth an abundant harvest
Hastening the coming of our Redeemer

The song for today is--MercyMe--Bring The Rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU&feature=player_detailpage

Service for My King

2012-01-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

How proud my spirit does sing
For I gave of myself
To do service for my King
No, not a flesh and blood mortal
I did my work for my savior Jesus
You see an outreach center
I see Jesus meeting the people
Wherever they may be
A man with sneakers worn clean through
Coming apart at the seams
May seem to be more desperately in need
Than the woman in heels and gold
To Jesus each one a precious soul
That He hung on the cross
For that only one
Did the people that came for help
See that Jesus lived in my heart
With trembling hands and lips
I do pray over each one that comes for help
Knowing not the words that I should pray
Do I portray that the ultimate message
That this help center gives
Is that Jesus loves you no matter what
I am not here to judge you my friend
Just for today can you see
That I am Jesus hands
Holding yours while I pray
His feet in sneakers
Just like the ones that you wear
See were not that different after all
In doing service for my King

Here is a song for today's theme:

All hail King Jesus
All hail Emmanuel
King of Kings
Lord of Lords
Bright Morning Star
And throughout eternity
I'll sing Your Praises
And I'll reign with You throughout eternity.

All hail King Jesus
All hail Emmanuel
King of Kings
Lord of Lords
Bright Morning Star
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And throughout eternity
I'll sing Your Praises
And I'll reign with You throughout eternity.

All hail King Jesus
All hail Emmanuel
King of Kings
Lord of Lords
Bright Morning Star
And throughout eternity
I'll sing Your Praises
And I'll reign with You throughout eternity...

Predawn

2012-01-09T05:44:00.000-08:00

As I move through the stillness
The world is lying in slumber
A light mist in falling
Enough to just brush the skin
With a hint of wetness
A heavier rain has fallen earlier
For the pavement is wet
With puddles here and there
Barely a inch deep
Occasionally a car will pass me by
Letting me know I am not alone
The world as yet
Has not been colored by the dawn
The light is filtering in though
Moving the sky from black to a shade of charcoal gray
You can feel the stirring of humanity
With the increase of people
As I move through my walk
I have just rediscovered my morning
In my active addiction
Hating the start of a new day
Enjoying the bliss of oblivion
The 10 hours of sleep every night
A pill for me to go to sleep
Another one to start my day
Not moving except when the high hit
Now my life is different
I move in spite of the pain
It greets me every morning
With a cheery hello
However, I will not succumb to that brutal master
I push myself up and out of the bed
Putting on my clothes and sneakers
Hitting the streets with a purposeful stride
Enjoying the stillness of the morning
So, I can here God whisper in my ear

Here is a song I like:
He Whispered This To Me

When Jesus came into my heart, He whispered this to me,
Rejoice and ye be merry, for I have set you free!

Set me free, set me free, yes, He has set me free!
And when He sets you free, you know your free indeed!
Set me free, set me free, yes, He has set me free
And when He sets you free you know your free indeed!

When Jesus came into my life, He whispered this to me,
Just use My name in battle, and you'll have the victory.

Victory, victory, yes you'll have victory.
Just use His name and you'll have victory!
Victory, victory, yes you'll have victory,
Just use His name and you'll have victory!

When Jesus came into my home, He whispered this to me,
Ask and you'll receive it, if you'll only just believe.

Just believe, just believe, and yes you will receive.
Just ask Him and believe you will receive!
Just believe, just believe, and yes you will receive.
Just ask Him and believe you will receive!

While we were on vacation, He whispered this to me,
To sing this song and tell you, just how good He's been to me.

Good to me, good to me, yes, He's been good to me.
I'll sing this song and tell you He's been good to me!
Good to me, good to me, yes He's been good to me.
I'll sing this song and tell you He's been good to me!

The Blank Slate

2012-01-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

Telling God what you want to do
With the life that He's given you
Makes him laugh with glee
Why can't you humble yourself
Presenting a blank slate
For Him to do with
As He sees fit
Doesn't our life problems come in
When we fight our Father
For control of our lives
From the moment of conception
Till I draw my final breath
All the space that lies between
Doesn't belong to me
Let me wrestle with myself
In my sweet hour of prayer
Lord,Give me the willingness
To turn my life over to You
It is only my blindness of self-will
Do I want to run my own life
He gives me the choice
Let me present my blank slate to Him
With my signature at the bottom
As a promise to Him
That my life is His
That He knows best
Lead me Lord where you will
I will follow and obey
Even though I may not understand
I will know that you got me in Your hand
Let me be a living sacrifice
Completing your great commission
To hasten Your soon coming

Crack Cocaine

2012-01-06T17:00:00.000-08:00

It leads you onward to the gates of Hell
Drawing out the pain
Enjoying your agony
While your yearn to be free
The first time you took a hit
You reached the clouds
Thinking you could fly like a plane
Forever after chasing that feeling
That was never there
In the drawing in of that smoke
A demon was introduced into your body
Causing a chase that will never end
You wish to hide from all you've done
The only relief you find
Is in that momentary high
Never really letting you forget
Pushing you to do more bad things
Just to satisfy the craving
That can never be quenched
She is the master of your body
A tyrant that screams at you night and day
You don't own your body anymore
A humble slave that is obedient
Chained to cocaine with irons that forged in the fire
Begging daily for death to claim you
For you to free from the torture
That has become your daily existence
Standing on the corner
No matter the weather outside
Selling pieces of your battered soul
To anybody with a few dollars
In a moment of clarity
You want out of this nightmare
For you are so very tired
Weary of the drugs
And the game that goes along with it
All you know it that you want out
God are you there?
Please help me
Get away from this bitch

God Give Me Strength

2012-01-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

Lord, this is my pray today
Give me your patience that is everlasting
For you have suffered long with me
Forgiving me time after time
The least I can do
Is do the same for my sister
I want to be kind like you are
More importantly long-suffering with her faults
It's just so hard Lord
When the little things that she does
Gets on my nerves so much
Pointing the way to my glaring imperfections
I fall so short Lord
Nothing like you would want me to be
Let the fruits of your vine
Reside in my spirit today
Even though I know I'm especially weak at this moment
Let my light so shine before the women around me
That they will say: I want what she has
This is my sincerest pray
Let me lean hard on you today
For all that I might need

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:31)

Food

2012-01-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

Oh how I need you
But I don't want you
I can't survive without you
Please stay close by my side
My constant companion
I think about you always
You'll stay beside me
Even if no one else will
Lift me from the ground when I'm sad
Back me up when I'm mad
Lay salve on my wounds when I'm hurt
You are everything to me
I just wanted you to know
But I won't let you be the death of me
You've killed me with your kindness
For way too long
This abusive relationship has to stop
We need to get some counseling
Cause I depend on you
For my very survival
The only one that can cure our relationship
Is my loving Heavenly Father
Relieve me from my shame
Let's quit blaming everything on you
Heal me dear God I pray
Help me to know you are the only one
That for all my needs on you to depend

My cold day music

2012-01-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today was a bitterly cold day
That's not saying much for it being January
It made my muscles burn while walking
Going numb from the cold
Yet being on fire because of the temperature
It takes some real music
For me to walk
On days like these
No matter that I am a Christian
I need angry violent music
To take my mind away from my surroundings
I am a soldier
Therefore this is war
So, I'll be the first one in the battle
The last one standing through it all
For there is no other way to be
My gansta rap music
Gives strenght to my limbs
Cause that's how I lived for so long
I identify with them
No matter how strange
That may seem to somebody else
My earbuds go in
The world fades to gray
Anger sustains me through it all
God fogive me for that
I know I'm not who you want me to be
I'm trying just the same

The Battered Sneakers

2012-01-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Give testament to my belief
That if I walk far enough
I will shed these pounds
That make my body groan
In the load that it carries
Each step no matter the day
Whether hot or cold
Maybe the sun is shinning
Or it's pouring down rain
No matter what surrounds me
Out the door I go into the great outdoors
I've made a decision to change my life
I can waiver neither to the left or right
Farther and farther I tread
In the quest for the fitness of my body
Sometimes my body protests loudly
When it is especially bitter outside
My muscle going numb from the cold
It's my iron will that keeps me pushing on
Not saying that I am some mind master
However, a great prophet said this
If you can master the appetite
You can master most anything
Sometimes all I can see
As I push myself down the sidewalk
Is my battered sneakers
Reminding me how many miles that I've come
The spiritual mountains that I have climbed
People that surround me are looking to me
For inspiration in their journey
That is why I put on my sneakers
Not only for what I need
But for all the ones that still suffer
From the bitterness of being large
That change is possible
All you have to do to change
Is put one foot in front of the other
Just one step at a time is all you need
Looking to your Father above
For the strength that you need
To enable you to put on your battered sneakers
To make that life altering change
It is possible just believe
Get them sneakers out and use them

This song is inspiration to me. Here is the link to When you Believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxIN79n4jVo

Feelings

2012-01-01T17:26:00.000-08:00

They may be just the brush of the wind
May rage through like a forest fire
Or just a gentle caress
Never lasting for very long
Ranging up and down the scale
You can't touch them
Or experience them with your senses
It's just one of those things
That you have to believe in
For it to be real
You can choose to control them
Or let go of them
Letting them run wild and free
It's a decision you have to make everyday
Will you let them control you
Or are you the master of your own destiny
It's for you to decide
What you want to do
Or are you powerless over how you feel
The only way I think that you can get control
Is to pray to God above
Please help me decide to live for you
Let not my emotions
Sway me which ever way the wind blows
Help me live for you
In every way and everyday
Jesus this I do pray

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

8th day of my fast. I struggled again today. My roommate was cooking a New Year's Day feast with black eyed peas, sweet potatoes, greens, macaroni and cheese, and cornbread. Doesn't that sound just yummy? Anyways, I walked to combat the desire to eat. I also talked to Heather. I am standing firm in my decision to juice till Thursday. I am doing this not only for the benefit of weight loss but so my body can heal. Lord, I pray help me to stand firm in what you would have me to do. I need your prayers too. Thank you for supporting me.

The Ending of the Year

2011-12-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

So many things have been wrote
I just don't know
If I have anything important to add
This year has brought changes
Both the good and bad
Emotions ranging from mad to sad
Leaving of friends I barely knew
Finding of companions that I know will last a lifetime
My recover has just now really started
Working to uncover the core issues
That lie trapped in the minefield
Of severely repressed memories
Dealing with things that have never been touched
Realizing that things I've wanted all my life
Will probably never happen
That I have a disease and that I can never forget
But there is so much more out there
The fog that I have lived in so long
Is just beginning to clear
My life lies open before me
With many possibilities yet unexplored
I am not yet walking on my own two feet
But people see me telling me of the strength that lies within
Looking forward I just don't know
Scary sometimes that I must leave this cocoon
Knowing that for the first time
I am ready to try my wings
Finally I am growing up
With the help of God I have a bright future
Let me always rejoice in the fellowship of the Son

The 7th day of my fast. I went to church today. It was very hard watching all those people eat. I was starving like the first day. However, I was strong and didn't eat. I've had a headache since I woke up from a short nap this afternoon. Not going to juice tonight since I am nauseated. Will do it in the morning. I still went for over a 3 mile walk. I still have some backbone in there somewhere. I just know that if I don't walk that I will pay for it tomorrow. I am just not willing to accept the consequences. Keep praying for me my friends.

Windy

2011-12-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

In nearly blows you down
Tearing at your clothes
Like an impatient lover
Making hard to walk
Pushing the clouds over head
At nearly warp speed
Making the unusually warm weather
Seem almost cold
Tossing the trash around in small whirlwinds
Making you wish that you had stayed indoors
How I love to be outside on most days
However, this one makes me hurry along
Longing for indoors where it's no so violent
The only thing that could make this day worse
Would be a cold hard rain
The weather is threatening that it might be so
People hurrying to their destinations
Not brave enough to withstand the wind
As she unleashes her fury
What she is mad at
I have yet to fathom
Still she rages on
I'm going indoors as fast as I can
To get away from her
To let her have her way
Let her take her anger out on somebody else

It is my 6th day of my fast. I am still doing well. I was very tired today but did not drink any coffee. I know if I have coffee I will have to have all the things that go in the coffee as well like cream. So, instead I drank a cup of green tea which has a small amount of caffeine in it but not as much as the coffee. I am still doing just liquids with 1 pint 3 times a day. Went on a small walk today a little less than 4 miles because the wind was so bad it nearly knocked me down. I made soup today for potluck tomorrow and that was hard. I did not give into temptation to try the soup. I just tried the broth it tastes okay. I wrote the recipe down so other people can try it. I made it with the pulp from my juices. I have somebody that wants me to teach them how to juice next week. I only lost 1 pound today so that was kinda of discouraging. Hopefully I loose more tomorrow. Keep praying for me my friends. More updates with tomorrow's blog.

Seeking

2011-12-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

That which I have lost
Let it be found
Though it be not this simple with life
Those things that are lost
Not as easily reclaimed
I will always say
I am recovering from this and that
For is my journey with my Savior every complete
Dare I never think that thought
It is to be a lifetime process
That has me always seeking for more
Let my thirst never be slacken
Of things this earth can not afford
Laying up treasure where my eyes can not see
For where my treasure there will be mind also
Always let my heart be opened
To new truths He will reveal
Pushing me to new spiritual planes
Where I can better commune with my Master
Let nothing stand in my way
Forsaking all the glitter of this world
That I might enjoy the simpler things
Which bring me closer to You
For You came for us all
But, this I do believe
You want to have a personal relationship with me
So, let me always have a seeking heart
That I might show others Your amazing grace

Here is a movie that has been inspirational to me:)
It is called--Amazing Grace--it is about William Wilberforce
Here is the link to the site to tell you about the movie
http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/index.php

My fast log:

Is the 5th or 6th consecutive day of my fast? I did totally liquids yesterday no solid foods. I am planning to keep that in place today. I won a major victory yesterday. There was a birthday dinner that I had to attend. It filled the Lena house with all kinds of smells of delicious foods plus there was cake. How I loooove sweets!!! However, I Did Not succumb to the pressure to eat--praise the Lord!! I walked almost 7 miles yesterday. The juice is getter greener and using more cranberries to kill the taste. I bought the ingredients I needed to last me till at least Sabbath evening after sundown. It was hard doing a total liquid diet. I won't lie about that, but it can be done. I use herbal teas when the craving for solid food is really bad. Heather, my sponsor, has been a BIG help through all this I would not have been able to stick to this with out her support and prayers. For that I am truly grateful. I will keep all of you updated on my progress. Keep on praying for me it sure does help.

Laundry

2011-12-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

Picking up pieces of myself
Like dirty laundry on the floor
Smelly and dirty but still useable
It has to go through the process of being washed
Soaked in water and scrubbed with detergent
To become what it was meant to be
Like me I've been plunged beneath the water
Again did I come up clean
Washed of my filthy stains
The process goes on daily
Water is absent in this cleaning
However, the effect is the same
Each day I am given a good washing
The old stubborn dirt comes off a little more
Each day I desire to have my colors shine through
It is the making of a new creature
Sometimes I don't want to let go of a particular stain
I cry and beg just let me keep that one
Relief do I feel when it is gone
Then there are stains that have to soak
Constantly being worked at
To rid me of an ugly stain
It's hard that is true
God give me your power
To keep working on the stubborn stains
That do persist in my dirty laundry
For only through your washer will they come really clean

5th day of my fast I do believe. I am going to try to just do juice today. I walked almost 4 miles at one time. I am still have a little bit of diarrhea. I have a lot of gas that is embarrassing. I am glad that I can be at home mostly during my fast. I feel lighter, but I am on my monthly. I think that is the reason that I still feel tired. I am going to a birthday party today I know that I can stand fast with the help of God. It will be hard with all that food. People are requesting my help to start their diets in the new year. I wonder do they really want to change? It is hard re-starting your eating habits. I hope that I am equal to the task of helping others.

Born Again Third Day Christian Music

2011-12-28T08:52:00.000-08:00

The Couple

2011-12-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

What beauty to mine eyes does see
Strength that lies in two
For this I aspire to be
Lord lead me upward
To the hills where they reside
Pointing me to the cross
Never easy it will be
Weary from days of long toil
Still reaching down for me
God in human hands
Do you know
Do you understand
What this means to my heart
Alone and friendless did I stand
For such a short while ago
Thank you God for sending such friends as these
To strengthen me on my journey
Speaking through these
To show me what you would have me do
Lord, help me to be equal to the task at hand

4th day of my fast. I was nauseous and vomited a couple of times. I believe it is the poison coming out my system that is making me sick. I was finally able to get up around noon. I used pineapple juice to help settle my stomach. I still went on an over 3 mile walk. I am still urinating a lot but it is better than the first three days. I made more juice today and used more greens. I have used cranberries to kill the taste of the greens. The cranberries should help with the irritation to my bladder. The juice tastes pretty good with pineapple and cranberries to go with carrots,celery, and kale. I am holding my own with strength from God. Keep praying for me that I will be able to complete this fast to cleanse my body.

The Hike

2011-12-26T12:49:00.000-08:00

Here I go down this old road
Don't know exactly where it leads
This I do see
The path is cluttered with leaves and trees
These leaves crunch underneath me feet
The world seemingly at rest
All that my eyes can see
Is mainly browns,grays, and shades of black
Trees have been felled by storms
Blocking the way forward
I must find away around them
If I am to continue on on
Sticker bushes clinger to my legs
Begging me like an old lover
Please stay with me awhile
I can feel the soft warmth of the winter sun
Caressing me with the slightest of touch
Still some green things persist to stay
Dotting the landscape here and there
The trail gives a stingy view
Of old cracked pavement below the leaves
I think that once this scene
Was viewed from the window of a car
Now this old road is covered with debris
Impassable to an automobile
Yet here I am forging through
Seeking healing for body and soul
In the world that God created
Resting from the constant bustle of my life
Infuse in me your healing power
This weekend away from it all
Is a Christmas present to myself
To be free of the chains
That have held me so long
Please Dear God, help me be strong
Knowing that you always have my hand
In my lifelong walk with you

This is my 3rd day of my juice fast. I am still hungry, but it seems to be getting easier. I am urinating a lot with bright yellow urine. Still having a few episodes of diarrhea. I walked 4 miles all at once even though it was pretty cold. I got weak when my roommate was fixing potatoes,pinto beans, and greens with pork chops. Did not want the pork chops but I definitely wanted the other fixins. Don't know when I will get to juice since my roommate has been sleeping all day. Keep praying for me.

Non-Traditional Christmas

2011-12-25T09:33:00.000-08:00

I am not here
To celebrate Christmas
In the usual way
Mounds of delicious food
With presents under a tree
I am out in the woods
Trying to reclaim my body
From the absolute Hell
I put it through
Crazy as some may say
For me to go on a juice fast
On the days of Christmas
I want this to be a special season
For all my own reasons
I want Christ to be especially close
To my battle scarred heart
I want my body to represent
The life I truly want to live
See my principles reflected in my everyday walk
That others might come to know
The man Christ as I did
Through the drawing of the health message
My church has been given
Lead others to the foot of the cross

This is my 2nd day of my juice fast. I am very hungry feel like I can't make it. I am having diarrhea with stomach cramps. Urinating at least every hour maybe more. Slept late cause I was up in the middle of night with pain and hunger. I ate about 6 chewable vitamin C's. I guess the sugar from the vitamin C's stopped my stomach from chewing on my backbone. I still have the energy to be up and doing things even though I'm having muscle spasms.I'm at my weakest around 4-5 p.m. I got a dizzy spell. Drinking herbal tea with some honey does help. I will not quit though!! I plan to see this through no matter how hard it is. Pray that God gives me the strength.

The Spirit of Christmas

2011-12-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Come Christmas to our hearts
To celebrate the birth of our king
It is no about the presents we recieve
Tis about the attitude within our hearts
For the time spent with loved ones so dear
Especially time spent with our Savior
Who took the form of helpless babe
That I might live with Him eternally
Here people scurry here and there
Consumed with shopping for just the perfect gift
Do I share the true spirit of Christmas
Or shrug my shoulders and say that is there belief
People attend the normal round
Of social gatherings to make the spirit bright
That my family tradition dictates
Do I pause just for a moment
For sharing the tradition of Christian belief
Attending children's plays so very cute
Do I teach the little ones the meaning that lies beneath
This I pray, Lord open my heart
To the ultimate love you gave
Come this blessed holy day
Into my sin filled heart
That I may truly live
What the Christmas day does say

This is my 1st day of my juice fast. How I wish that I could have eaten raw fruits and vegetables before I started this. However, I committed to this so I have to do this. I feel like I am literally starving. I want to cry!!! It was so hard with the smells of potluck teasing my nostrils. I had to carry in the salad for Andre and it looked so good. I could hardly keep my mind on the service because I was thinking about that salad. Then I had to go get Ms.Emily a cup for water. If people had not been in the kitchen I think I would have taken a taste of some of those dishes. I am falling asleep around 7 o'clock every night. I sit in a chair and I'm gone. It is so embarrassing. I am learning how to juice. Heather and I went to the grocery store it was pure torture being in there with all that food. If there is a next time for me doing this I will buy my fruits and vegetables the day before I start the fast. I really don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I am strong enough. Heather says its all about your willpower. My will must be very weak indeed. I feel weak and fatigued. My muscles are sore and cramping some. It was hard for me to go on my daily walk. I am going to try to see this through. God, without you I know I can't do this please give me your strength. My friends be in constant prayer for me I want to cleanse my body so I can lose weight. I do this not for my glory but my Master's.

The film that inspired all this:
Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead
http://www.hulu.com/watch/289122/fat-sick-and-nearly-dead

Triumph

2011-12-23T06:23:00.000-08:00

Here I stand vindicated
The haters tried to drag me down
I ran yes I did
Hid to nurse my hurts
I thought you were my friends
Now I see clearly
All the obstacles in my way
Now I return triumphant
Refute the charges against me
I have pure unadulterated joy in my heart
Thank you God for saving me
From the hell of addiction
Set my feet on the solid ground
I look to you for my strength
You are mine and I am yours
Thank you for giving me new life
My anthem will always be thankfulness
For I never can repay
What you have done for me
Let me sit in patience
Thinking of what has been restored to me
I don't have everything I want
Yet all my needs have been given to me
Thank you Lord for the gifts in my life
For people that believe in me no matter what
Friends that are so true
That will stand with me in the heat of battle
I give of myself everyday
That others might now this way of life
Let me always see my vision clearly
Hold me close in your arms
Never let me stray
Back to my old ways
In this precious lonely hour
Thank you for coming to this earth
As a helpless babe
To save a sinner such as I
Never let me forget what you've done for me

Will you stand?

2011-12-22T19:01:00.001-08:00

Here I stand with shaky knees
The disease of addiction nearly snatched me
From the bosom of God's grace
Trying to save another I nearly lost myself
In my pride I thought I could do it alone
I forgot the lesson that was taught me
That we have to hold each other up
I can not do this alone
Here I reside in a circle within a circle
Cradled in the arms of love
I was nearly gone
Yet here I stand by God's mercy
A candle in the darkness
Lit by receiving the message
That no matter what love heals
A vision given to Becca from God above
Said He go save the ones in the ditch
We are worthy because we are God's children
The lowest of low in society's eyes
However, God knows that we can recover
We are to shine as a candle to carry the message of hope
In the black night of addiction
I ask today will you stand with me
To fight to save those that are lost
If you listen closely you can hear their cries
Will you go to war with me?
Putting on the armor of love
With the sword of truth in your hand
Fighting the demons of addiction and prostitution
More souls are losing the battle everyday
For the fighting that lies within our ranks
Tearing apart your comrade in arms
For the rumors that she has lost her battle
In joyous glee spreading tall tales
The enemy rejoices at each hateful word
Spewed from the mouth of the citizens of Bablyon
For the fighting that lies within our camp
More souls does the disease of addiction swallow
I am here today asking you my friend
Will you stand with me?
To renew your vision that brought you to the light
That you can not save yourself
Unless you save your sister also
Yes, we had sisters that lost the battle
Rejoice with me that it was only for a moment
That they are back cradled in the arms of love
I believe with every bone and muscle in my body
The reason that they made it back
Is that we held our candle high
Calling in the darkness of night
Refusing to give up hope
Lack of sleep and food did not matter
Only saving the souls that were lost
We held our candles high
Piercing the darkness of night
They made it home rejoice with me my sister
I ask today again will you stand with me?
To help spread Becca's vision to the world
Knowing that each product you help make
Spreads the message of hope that is Thistle Farms
That we can win the battle against addiction
With every thing that we do brings another woman off the streets
You are saving souls that are lost
We are not just making bath and body products
Our true purpose is to rebuild lives
Always holding our candles high
Spreading the message that loves heal
Will you stand with me?
To renew your commitment in the coming year
That your life might be the light that saves
Another soul from the disease of addiction

Inside my head

2011-12-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

The voices inside my head
Have laid in wait
Hibernating with one eye open
Just waiting for the right time
To tear me limb from limb
I know this is the end of me
I am proud that I fought
With a warrior's skill and cunning
Now I accept my fate
My unrealistic dreams have died
Their death was very painful
Sitting in the silence meditating
Propelling me to action
To do the hard things that must be done
I knew in my heart it couldn't last
Making the mistake of getting comfortable
I know they didn't want me
They never really do
The tears and pain I push down
Blocking the emotions I don't want to feel
I seek the blackness of release
For I no longer am strong enough
To withstand the consuming need
For a brief respite where I can not feel
When I was young barely past five
I would sit at my mommy's knee
Looking up at my sister on her lap
Cuddle up in a safe cocoon of her arms
Telling stories of Jesus
Then the next day telling me she wish I had never been born
What irony that I have lived in all my life
The monster where chained to a wall
Called the bedrock of my recovery
The beast have pulled free
For the wall started to crumble
While my attention was elsewhere
The beasts are eating me a piece at a time
I am trapped there is nothing I can do
Falling to my knees in utter anguish
I cry to my Father for help
Knowing that it can't come fast enough
I'm fighting the blackness
Can I hang on?
To my help arrives
I am trying very hard
Hearing the voice of a friend
Hope springs in my heart
Maybe I can make one more day
All I can do is to hang on
Calling upon my Father for help

This is enimem songs about recovery
It's helped me in the past maybe it will help you
http://www.directlyrics.com/eminem-not-afraid-lyrics.html

This is what Drug Addiction is to me

This is the real face of alcoholism

This is what I felt like when I was using

This is the rash I broke out in while I was using

In this picture lies my hope for addiction

The Last thing I want to say

Is that I got to believe

It will work this time

For I have nothing else

On which to rely

Eminem - Not Afraid

2011-12-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

My Christmas Poem

2011-12-20T03:55:00.000-08:00

Twas the night before Christmas
Not a creature was stirring in the Magdalene Houses
The stockings were hung in the big house with care
In hopes that Santa Claus would hurry up and get there
The women were snuggled safe under their covers
While visions of recovery books danced in their heads
With Donna in her heels and Keri with a blanket
They had just sat down at the computer to get some work done
In the courtyard arose a noisy disturbance
Donna and Keri sprang from their chairs to see what was the matter
She flew across the floor to see what was going on
Unlocked the door and tore it open
Forgetting that the alarm was on
As I stepped outside ignoring the blare of the alarm
Leaving Keri to cut off the alarm
Squinting to see since the porch light didn't work
The moon glittering off the all the cars parked out front
Giving the illumination of late twilight
When to my jaded eyes should appear
A big monster truck and 8 mini coopers
With a little middle aged lady the head driver
I knew it in a flash that it was Mrs.Clause
Santa so busy and we are so special
So we deserved a visit from the women in charge
More rapid than a car with the NASCAR circuit
Did the caravan of automobiles appear
Then in a twinkling of her eye
Mrs.Clause came to hug Donna's neck
To assure her that all the gifts were donated
Call the women lets get these started
She was dressed very cute
In a red velvet dress with black boots
To top it all off she had Christmas earrings
On her head was a red beret trimmed in white fur
Bundles of gifts did appear for each and every one
How she did laugh with the opening of the gifts
For they could not wait to see what was inside
Her eyes glistened with tears
With some making tracks down her cheeks
To see such happy faces whether the gift be small or large
Here the grateful chorus of thank you's
Each women thankful for what she's been given
For you see Mrs.Claus did not participate in Christmas
Gifts were given in love on Christmas day
Those that received the gifts had disappointed faces
She could no longer take the heartbreak
For the busiest day of the year no gifts were exchanged in the Claus home
Sadness did it bring to dear old Santa Claus
Then what to Mrs.Claus wondering eyes did appear
A special on Turning Point about Magdalene
Hope did plant itself in her heart
This year she planned for this day
Thinking what a pleasure it would be
For Magdalene believes love heals
So Mrs.Claus got together her crew
Buying gifts for every women young and not so young
The present were wrapped with the utmost care
Her heart beat fast when to Magdalene she drove
A warm reception she did receive when she arrive
Echoes of welcome and hugs galore
What a feeling to know the Christmas spirit is not dead
For we celebrate the birth of Jesus our king
He gave the ultimate present--his life
So, when gifts are unwrapped on Christmas morning
Think of what it really means
For some this is the first Christmas they celebrate
Oh what a joy to share the pleasures of the holidays
Mrs.Claus gave stacks of gifts every size and shape
The gratefulness of each women warmed her heart
No longer would Christmas be just another day
She was here to spread the Christmas spirit every day of the year
The cars were unloaded to the last gift
Presents were laid aside for the graduates
With the words, "Come back anytime" by Donna
Mrs. Claus and her crew hopped in their cars
In a minute they were gone disappearing in the night
Were they ever really there?
Donna stops for a moment to pray to her Higher Power
For providing the gifts that make her women smile
Thankful that love provides all kinds of things
The only thing you have to do is believe

Jazzy

2011-12-19T18:16:00.000-08:00

Feeling fresh today
Not so depressed
Friends relapse at difficult times
They come and go
This is the nature of our disease
I must forgive
If I am to be forgiven
Pray the sick man prayer
That comes in my big book
Fall to my knees
Help them Lord
For they know not what they
They will talk behind your back
Say all kinds of ugly things about you
The Lord says love them anyways
Practice those principles
That are preached in the rooms
Always placing principles before personalities
The Lord calls me to a higher plane of existence
Letting the tree of my life
Bear the fruits of the spirit that resides in me
Let my light shine that men may see
That I am a Christian in recovery
Let me live my principles just for today

Moving the Diva

2011-12-18T15:06:00.000-08:00

God, how I hate it
But love my friend I do
It's going to take 3 weeks
To organize her stuff
Shoes for everyday of the year
What a diva indeed
Name brand clothes galore
All this money for her to wear
Could feed a family in Africa for a year
Purses every size and color
Oh my, Orange high heels
Who would need those?
Girl, what a mess
50 garbage bags of clothes
A whole storage cabinet of jewelry
I've been in here 2 hours
Not made a dent
I hate to shop
I wear clothes because I have to
Just don't understand this addiction
Dress up the package my friend
To ignore what lies beneath
Are you well my friend
Working your program
I am not God
For I don't want to be in charge
Moving the diva
Has been an adventure to another world
That is fodder for my writing
Shine on my friend the diva
Just don't ask me to help you move again

This is your song:

She is all
You'll ever dream to find
On her stage
She sings her story
Pain and hurt
Will steal her heart alight
Like a queen
In all her glory

And when she cries
Diva is an angel
When she laughs
She's a devil
She is all beauty and love

Chorus:
Viva Maria
Viva Victoria
Aphrodite
Viva le Diva
Viva Victoria
Cleopatra

Silent tears
Drop from these eyes tonight
Tears of prayer
For all those aching hearts

And when she cries
Diva is an angel
When she laughs
She's a devil
She is all beauty and love

Bent

2011-12-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

Like a tree I am
Shaken by the wind
Bent nearly in two
Yet here I remain unbroken
The storms pass through
My leaves are shaken off their branches
Still here I remain
Why you may ask
For I am so small
Just a young sapling starting to grow
The secret lies beneath
What the eye can see
My roots run wide and deep
Bringing nourishment to the fledgling tree
I reach out stretching
Pushing my branches up and out
Pain I know I will feel
For in this I know I will grow
Always reaching for the sun
I must have light if I am to live
Darkness must come too
It will not tarry though
The essential nourishment from the soil will I draw
The greatest of these elements being love
Since I was taught love heals
For me, I believe love grows all kinds of things
The changing seasons brings changes to the little tree
A small sprout I can not forever stay
For as I pass through this life
To grow into the oak tree tall and sturdy
I must bend but never be broken

Care for Time

2011-12-16T03:57:00.000-08:00

The window of time
Is slowly closing
Every decreasing the minutes
That are left to me
The reaper comes for me
He is the invisible man for my eyes to see
From the path he travels
I can't discern how close he might be
Do I think that because I am young
I have an abundance of time
For the next minute might be my last
It unwinds slowly like a spool of thread
What might you do with the hours you've been given
Will they go to waste like an unwanted Christmas fruitcake
Or will you fill those days full of love
Your Father sends from above
Blessing other time clocks with laughter and love
Might you think as the day unfolds before you
That time is a commodity that can't be bought or sold
Handle it like fine china with the greatest of care

Unspoken

2011-12-15T04:34:00.000-08:00

Can you hear me crying without a sound?
In my unspoken words can't you see my hurt?
The pain is so great my world collapses
Till it is so narrow I only see a shaft of light
If you loved me you would rescue me
No, you just turn and walk away
Ignoring me like you always do
Seeing only what you want to see
For in this I am alone
In this portion of my life you are my only friend
I expect too much of you
This arrogance is a glaring character defect in my soul
That is the story of my life
I think that if I love somebody enough
They will love me back in kind
You, I now see represent my family
I give till my soul hurts
Emptying every part of me
Expecting to be filled up in return
Instead you leave me sitting in the ashes
Like Job of old, if you slay me
Still I will love thee
In my unspoken words
I want you to see my hurt
To care enough to draw me out
I want you to do the job
That only God can do
Heal the wounds that I can't speak about
I figuratively tear my clothes and pour ashes on my head
I fall to my knees seeking my relief
I cry pent up tears soaking the sheets
Where my face does lay
Giving all my unspoken hurts
To the only one that can heal them
Heal me My Master I do pray
Give me strength just for this moment
To keep living for you
So, I might give glory
For the miracle you have wrought in my life

Excuses

2011-12-14T19:14:00.000-08:00

In my addiction I had many excuses
For everything that I did
I lied and justified
Always someone else to blame
For the relief from the pain
That I sought in vain
What I needed to do
I did not do
For I was too stubborn a fool
To not seek to tap the main line
Between God and I
Fall to my knees in earnest supplication
No more could fall from my lips
Those threadbare words
That excused me from my responsibility
The worn out excuses from my using days of old
I have too many resources at my fingertips
All that I need to do is ask
No need to pick up a flask
Even worse swallow a pill
From that ill I would never recover
Many discoveries I making everyday
As I journey down the highway of recovery
Excuses are for a better person than I
God gave me back my life
It may not be the way I envisioned
But it is the right one for me
This I believe just for today

Middle of the Night

2011-12-13T00:02:00.000-08:00

I am that don't go to bed
Before the coming of dawn
Type of chemically dependent personality
That was before someone special came in my life
Now I go to sleep at a pretty reasonable hour
Always I must pray and meditate
Before I close my eyes
Most nights I am wore out
Struggling to get everything done
Before the required rest period
I use to be a night owl
Forever prowling the badlands of the world
That composed the hellish landscape of my addiction
In my twenty plus years quest
Never to have a period of sleep
That wasn't aided by some substance
One more drink or drug to be had
Before I could do this or that
A pill to get me up in my morning
Whenever I decided that would be
Another pill to sing me a lullaby
No matter that the clock may say I need to be awake
Now my brain is half baked
I live in a dangerous world
One where I take pills to survive
Not to get high these days
I don't want to take none of them
To tell you the God's honest truth
What's the damn difference
I thought I had to have pills back then
Today it's a horse of a different color
I take these pills for stability
Or so all these doctors say
Just now my needs are not that great
Well God is in charge everyday
That I believe with every bit of my heart
What is my obsession with confession
I believe that to tame the devil
I have to tell the truth
So a pill is a pill
No matter if the ill is acute or chronic
Pray I must or die I will
God I know your up there listening
Let me get off these pills
I don't want them any more
I want to be free of all my addictions
Whether there sanctioned by the medical community or not

Striving

2011-12-12T06:14:00.000-08:00

Always upward I must climb
Wrestling against my flesh
In this I am not alone
My Master stands beside
No matter the dreams
My mind my conjure
When I rest my head
Against my pillow
Still I will climb my mountain
This is just one of many
Upon which I will venture upward
Each one a milestone
In my quest to become like my Master
Always striving onward
To subdue my flesh
To live like the spirit
That resides in my heart
In my quest to be my best
For my savior that was born on Christmas day

Sleeping late

2011-12-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

That what today is all about
Sleeping till I can't sleep no more
Taking a break
From all that my life holds
Till it's fixing to pop
A rest from the perpetual motion
That my life seems to constitute
Especially at this time of year
Getting things ready
For that special day
To celebrate the Christ child's birth
He was born so long ago
Prophesied many Milena past
The one to save our world
Not from rulers cruel
For our sins came He
As helpless babe
He came just at the right time
For He did not sleep late
Came just at the right time
For us He held so dear
So, we can go to live with Him
In heaven some sweet day

Spam

2011-12-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

I am I am
That being a ham
I feel like I've been slammed
Putting me in the can
Thoughts flying from my hand
Like the sand in the hourglass
I don't belong in this mass of people
Part of the church and steeple crowd
Say it out loud and proud
I'm mad my post
Was lost to the vastness of cyberspace
Grab my can of mace
To go walk out in the dark
I am part of the the zoo that lives on the ark
This is not part of a lark
If this makes no sense
Your not the only one
This is my doctor Suess day
No way am I'm going to prolong
My torturing you by writing more
Don't keep score my friend
This is not my worst
I live to torture you some more
Another time and place
Come back another day
For me to wear a better face

A tribute to Grammy

2011-12-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

The life that she lived
Gave proof in the things she did
Reaching out of her sheltered world
Into the swamp of wretchedness
That I have resided in so long
Unconditional love she gave
Without a thought what she might receive back
Just the right word
To a needy ear
Not a lot of hugs were passed out
However, when she gave one
You could feel the love to your toes
She gave of her time to us
More importantly she gave of herself
Many sorrows did she bear in her years
Yet very rarely spoke of woes
Not one of us knew of her illness
Which took her so very suddenly
In the blink of an eye
She was gone never to grace of us
With her presence again
How she will be missed
A grandmother many of us didn't have
I will mourn her passing
Knowing on resurrection morning
I will see her beautiful face
In the glory of my Master's returning
Knowing truly indeed that I love her
Wishing that I had told her more
In the days that I had her near
That she was truly my grandmother
I will always hold your memory
Close to my heart my beloved Grammy

Breaking point

2011-12-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

When in maximum amount of pain
Thinking that the cares of the world
Can be no heavier to bear
Pushed beyond the limit
Of human endurance
Feeling as if no cares for you
There is someone that is always there
A friend steady as a rock
All you have to do to talk to Him
Fall to your knees
Pray is the best wireless connection in the world
How do you know He hears
You would not ask this question
If you do but pray
In this you would know
A peace creeps over your heart
Softly as cat's paws
Understanding in your bones in this world
You are not all alone
In your grief turn not to the things
That the world can afford
All He wants to do is care for you
Talk to Him on the daily
Grow closer to Him
The earth will grow strangely dim
In the steadfast presence of His love

This is the way it is

2011-12-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

Perpetually tired here lately
No rest for the weary
Too much to do
Never enough time for it
Rushing here and there
This season of joy
To say I did this or that
Is it really worth it
To be so busy
Not really enjoying each other
The stress is killing me
In sure slow degrees
Wanting to rest in my bed at night
Thinking of the 100 and 1 things
Let to do to make the season perfect
When will I see
That this is not how
I envisioned my holiday season to be
I want to remember special times
With those I hold dear
The events surrounding Christmas
Are not so important
As the the love we share
Remembering that Christ our King
Came to touch this earth
With His divine presence
That's the way it really is

Giving

2011-12-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

To give of oneself
Isn't that the essence of Christmas
The simple joy of doing for others
Finding that perfect gift
To ones that are close to your heart
I hate to shop for most anything
But I really enjoyed shopping
For that perfect gift
I had to show others
What I had found
In my expedition in the land of shopping
The looking forward to Christmas
To see the joy in your face
As you unwrap your present
That I carefully selected
However, the most important gift of all
Is the one that we can't see
A story that is over 2,000 years old
How the King of glory
Came to this earth as a lowly babe
The gift of himself
To take on humanity
Was the ultimate gift for all time
I try to remember this
As I hurry to and fro
During this Christmas season
Stopping just for a moment
On Christmas morn to remember
The reason why I celebrate

Icing

2011-12-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

The world is frosted in ice
Looking like the topping of a cake
Makes the world seem prettier somehow
Covering the brown of the dead grass
Not blanketing the hibernating trees though
Giving the world a special feel
Is the wisps of fog
That threads through the air
Like the leavings of chimney smoke
The air is crisp and cold
With a bite that nips
At your fingers and toes
People wrapping up like Eskimos
To brave the cold
Winter is upon us
With ice,cold, and snow
This is just the beginning of the season
About 3 more months to go
Now it's pretty and different
Soon it will be old and boring
Christmas should come
Near the end of the season I think
We might not be so weary
When the season ends
Thank God I live in the South
I don't think that I could take
The harsher winters of colder climes
However, I rejoice in the beauty
That lies before me in my line of sight
Thanking God for the winter season
In the world that He made
With the sound of His voice

Christmas Tree

2011-11-30T05:30:00.000-08:00

Shine your light on me
Let the spirit of peace
Reside in my heart
Let me look upon you
To think of my Master
That came as a babe
Of lowly birth
To save such as I
The light that shines
From your stately branches
Remind of what I am to be
A light to those that still suffer
From every character defect that can be imagined
I must not think of what I can get
This holiday season
But of what I can give
To those less fortunate than me
Isn't that the embodiment of the Christmas spirit
To save those that are lost
Giving expecting nothing in return
Isn't that what our Savior did

Handicapped

2011-11-29T05:59:00.000-08:00

Frustrated I am
I have so many handicaps
Some physical and many mental
I just didn't need one more
To topple the house of blocks
That I have painstaking built
To think that somebody I have a inkling who
Would try to cause me
Another ounce of pain
This is the burden I must bear
Limited in physical function
For the time being
Coming to accept
What can't be helped
Feeling sorry that person is limited
By being so small in the mind
Never really part of recovery
To have the mentality of the street
Still lodged in the mind
God give me strength
To forgive today
Let me talk it out
In my own way
Then let that sweet spirit
Move silently through my soul
To bring healing to a new wound
I won't let this one fester
To bring me down at a later date
Thank you God for your presence
Breathing life in this defective soul

To Write

2011-11-28T05:33:00.000-08:00

This means the breath
Of my very soul
I can only write poetry
What good is that
Why can't I do more
I wish, I wish
Only if my wishes would come true
However, like everything else
In my life that I live
I probably will have to fight
For the ability to write
Either I have it or I don't
Maybe not in those terms
I just haven't learned how to yet
Like any ability it has to be trained
Somethings come easier than others
Maybe this is the easy thing
So, I can go on to harder things
This ability is like a dime a dozen
Or maybe God in his infinite wisdom
Knows that I can't handle it
That ability to write stories
Or maybe He wants to point me in another direction
Who knows the unfathomable mind of God
Thankful for the gift He has given
Let me content in that today

I Survived

2011-11-27T09:04:00.001-08:00

Realizing from whence you came
What truths you hold dear
Even though I wasn't with my family
I survived this holiday
That's all I can do
Thankful for where I am
A place I can call home--for now
However, safety is what I treasure most
Where I'm not waking up every hour
More exhausted at waking
Than when I fell asleep
The desire for a pill
Stronger than the tide
I know that I want my own place
Where I pay the bills
So, I can lock my door
Never worrying about where I might sleep
Where my next meal might come from
How dirty am I am
No matter if I take a shower
I won't feel clean
Surround me with the things
That make me feel in control
Of the world that I live in
That means love to me
Which will be part of the family
That I make in my universe
Thankful that I have choices today

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

Another holiday without my family
Not by my choice
I still suffer the consequences
Of my former addictions
However, I stand today
Thankful to God for my sobriety
I am becoming a member of society
Not quite there just yet
I am making progress
Facing daily challenges
With inner fortitude
For that I am grateful
I may not have my biological family
But a few friends I have found
I do not say that word lightly
As some others do bantering that word about
Like a bouncing rubber ball
I am making different choices today
Refusing to be alone
To wallow in self pity
Stopping to really say
I am thankful for today
And every day that I am sober
Never let me lose my gratitude
For the gifts that God has given to me
Let me be especially thankful
To the ones that have gone before
So I can reside in a country
That let's me worship God
As I see fit according to my understanding
I could go on and on
However, today I am just thankful
Isn't that what today is all about?
My God always let it be so

Full Circle

2011-11-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

Amazing how life doesn't come in straight lines
Things go round and round
The same old lesson
Till you've memorized your lines
Or learned the part you must play
I've come to know my role
Now after all these years
A outsider never to be a part of
Whatever may be going on around me
I must find meaning in that somehow
To break out of my leanings
For such a time as this
People disappoint me
Always making me buy into dreams
That never quite come true
Somehow I am the luggage
That gets left behind somehow
This time it will be different
I will seek out my own kind
Not content to be left in the shadows
A word or a gesture to join in
I will seek out what I've been missing
Widening my narrow circle
However painful that may be
Learning new lessons
In my circle of life

Gathering

2011-11-22T06:08:00.000-08:00

As I sit at the table
I unconsciously gather myself
For the coming day
Waging war against life
The things that must be done
Without thought to how I feel
All I ask, is that God give me strength
I was brought up tough
You didn't lay abed
Cause of the sniffles
No matter the degree of sickness
You must go on
There is no other way
This holds true for all my ailments
Whatever form they might hold
There is one sickness though
That put me under the table
A disease called addiction
I had all my sick days that life could offer
While handling that disease
So, no I can't take comfort
Between the sheets of my bed
In all things give thanks
To the God of creation above
It doesn't say a few things it says all
Therefore I must say thank you
For this crud whatever it might be
Let me be an example of cheerfulness
In whatever circumstances
God chooses to give to me

In Sickness and Health

2011-11-21T05:16:00.000-08:00

I will praise Him
Who gave me the breath of life
Whether I be well or sick
In this old world
I must suffer like all others
Who am I to be exempt
Cause of the word Christian
Do I praise Him
When I am well day to day
Or in ungratefulness go about my day
Just expecting to have good health
I must go through routine sickness
To appreciate daily health
Refine me my master
Let me pass through trials
If it be a mite or a giant
With a praise on my lips
When I fall to my knees
Let me grateful no matter my health status
Cause in each I can glorify
The One that laid the foundation of the world
In all points He suffered like I
Let me take comfort in Him today
In sickness and health

Lazy

2011-11-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

Lazy today
There's better way
To spend a Sunday
I think I stay in bed
Pout like a kid
Put a lid on it
Won't I be a big hit
Sleeping my life away
I don't wanna play
Out in the rain
There's pain in my throat
Feel like I've been choked
I'll do as little as I can get by with
Cause of the weather
Or at least that's part of my excuse
Pardon me while I baby myself
I'll take time to do that
Now you know my rhyme and reason
For this season of resting

Surprising Strength

2011-11-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

How God open my eyes
When I went to work
On a ordinary Friday
A co-worker struggles
Were revealed to me
I person I did not particularly like
Became a person I admire
I do not think
Even she knows herself
The strength that lies within
To have gone through so much
Still have the ability to go on
Most would have given up
Found the easy way out
No, not this woman
I found a sermon in you today
Made more powerful preached from the street
Found that God can teach me lessons
In each person that I see
If only I will open my eyes

Outside

2011-11-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

Not the outdoors
I mean outside myself
To quit wallowing in morass of self-pity
Loneliness is suppose to be appeased
In these rooms
Not so for me
However, I can be of service to my fellow man
Through giving of my time
To those less fortunate than I
Volunteering my time and talents
Reaching for those below
Elevates me to a different plane
My disease tries to drag me down
With the help of my God
I won't let it have me
No relapse for me
I've come too far
Climbing mountains that disappear in the clouds
I see the road before
So many miles to go
My journey never done
So much to learn
A lifetime of giving to others
That I may live
Please dear God
Forever hold my sight on that concept
Never let me drown in self
Always let me live my program
Let others see God in me

Shut away

2011-11-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

I don't matter
Just saying
Take me somewhere
To leave me
Say I'm unfair
That I would treat you so
Accusing you emotional injustices
What about me I want to cry
My abandonment issues
I am just an afterthought
Like leaving the coffee pot on
Not really part of your heart
I struggle so every moment
Never to let anybody have the slightest glimpse
Of the constant Hell I go through
Like sand in your eyes
I spend one day just shutting down
Providing succor for my soul
To keep going in this brutal world
I am branded selfish
For doing just one thing for myself
How could you say this
When I give so much away
However, I won't give up
The great deceiver can't win
In this trough in the sea of my life
I look up and cry
To He that loves me
Just give me strength for today

Solace

2011-11-16T04:55:00.000-08:00

I find it in many different avenues
The stack of books
Beside my bed
A sign of my devotion
To the life I seek
The rhythm of the rain
That helps me sleep
As it falls outside my window
My feet as strange as it may seem
Pounding out a cadence
As I walk down the street
I draw into myself
When I'm in a state of pain
Whether it be emotional or physical
I know you fail to understand
I've tried to reach you in your ignorance
Failure is the key to unlock the door
Lack of understanding is the portal
That you must walk through to get to the other side
Yet you do not know that you stand on a threshold
So, I can give you no insight
In the things that soothe my soul
Another brick in the house
Of misunderstanding and distrust
Never will I find solace
For my tortured soul
In you or your program
Only God can really provide
The comfort that I seek

Ke-Ke

2011-11-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

How I hesitate to write
These words that provoke so much emotion
How selfish I am
I miss you so much
I wish I was there
On such a special day
Your 13th birthday
Once in a lifetime event
Do you feel like I've abandoned you
Left you to the wolves of society
Did you get the gifts I sent
I hope you know how much you mean to me
My feelings are so raw
I'm keening into my pillow
Racked by silent sobs
Agony so deep
Causing physical pain
Do you feel the same
Or have you forgotten me
A memory that is locked away in a box
I want this to be a happy day
A pleasant summer memory
Like those days that we went to the lake
I would give anything to be there
Be maimed or crippled for the rest of my life
Just to hold you for a few minutes
My wish for you
Is lots of good food and cake
Birthday presents aplenty
Love and laughter that brightens the room
Like the rays of the noonday sun
Even though I'm not there
I like you
I love you
My baby you will always be

Reach Higher

2011-11-14T04:45:00.000-08:00

You are gifted
In your own unique way
Go ahead and grab what you want
No one can do it for you
Always pushing upward
Setting new goals for yourself
Never satisfied to sit in the same spot
You will never achieve unless you try
So what if you fall short
At least you tried
How many people wish on a star
Just to sit there doing nothing
There's nothing you can't do
If you try hard enough
Push yourself
Till your dizzy
From the heights of accomplishments

The Walk

2011-11-13T17:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, today was big
I've training so hard
But this so much more
Than just a race
This is about reclaiming my life
I hid behind my addictions
Whatever form it came in
From drugs to food
Whatever could drown the pain
I could not let you see
Who I really am
That might mean
You would come to know me
I just couldn't do that
I had been ripped from so many lives
I thought that I couldn't stand one more
However, I coming out of the darkness
Into the light of life
Reclaiming the pieces of my soul
That my abusers and drugs took from me
One step at a time
Today is one big step
In my walk toward my recovery
This is my prayer for today
Dear Lord let me always be brave
Moving forward to the person
That you would want me to be

Books

2011-11-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

I'm addicted to them
Stacks of them beside my bed
A pile a mile high in my closet
All different kinds
Each one a special meaning to me
Some I can't give away
Cause someone gave it as a gift
Some for learning
A few for pleasure
Meditations books aplenty
An AA and 12 and 12 books of course
The most fundamentally important
The Bible given to me in jail
My Baptism books fall next in line
For learning about my faith
A book of health to elevate my mind
To new heights in my quest for wellness
A novel to unwind my mind
Many more I won't name
A passion of mine to be sure
Wouldn't you say the same

Cold Morning

2011-11-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

The first cold day
Of the winter season
My breath coming in puffs of smoke
Dead leaves on the ground
Frost on everything
Grass sparkling like diamonds
Surprising that I can find beauty
In the threads of my life
I am walking on this morning
Even though it's crazy
I refuse to be fat anymore
No matter what the weather
I must exercise
I listen to my music
Praise my God and king
For the seasons change
To remind me that He has control
No our world is filled with sin
Yet, He gives us things to ponder
Like His great love for us
Nature gives us examples everyday

Leaves

2011-11-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

Here I go
The leaves go crunch, crunch
All different hues
In clumps and bunches
Having fun walking in them
The rays of the sun
Tickle my eyes
Even though winter is coming on
I am here to stay
I will be more fun another day
However, I still will play
Peeking out at unexpected times
Even though is seems I will shrink to a dime
At the juncture of the cruelest of the winter storms
I will return to splinter the hold
With all my power
My hours may be short for now
I will show you how to work your way
Back to the brighter days of Spring
The one above will keep you
Never fear of need and want
Only lean on Him for sustaining strength
Then you will the length my love will go for you

Comfort Food

2011-11-09T04:52:00.000-08:00

I am a weird bird indeed
When I need soothing
I find that I need breakfast foods
Maybe your definition of comfort foods
Is something hearty like mashed potatoes
This would find it lacking
My stream runs a different course
Why is it--that I'm constructed this way
The mornings came early at our house
When I was but small
It was a grand time
All that childhood should be
The strength of my father's love
Wrapped me in his strong embrace
He may not have physically cuddled me
But the acceptance was felt to my bones
I was Daddy's little girl
A secret we shared
Was that I was his favorite
He cooked and I learned
His passion and my hunger
All was right with my world
I could trust him
In the early hours of a brand new day
Before dawn crept over the horizon
The world was quiet and orderly
I had no fear of the next blow
No violent rages came thundering here
Time came to steal it away
Burning away the reality of those days
All I'm left with is the ash of yesteryear
Trying to recapture those moments in time
With something insubstantial
As a bowl of oatmeal

Lagging

2011-11-08T05:08:00.000-08:00

Here I am lagging
At the start of the day
My eyes are sagging
With unfulfilled dreams
I guess I'll be bagging
The usefulness of my time
Send tongues wagging
For the absolute uselessness
Of what I'm writing
Thoughts of going back to bed
Are nagging me
Like a desire to drink
If this poem has you gagging
Then your not the only one
This will be one for ragging on
I'm done for today
All the people say--Thank God

A Baby is Born

2011-11-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

New life
Let us celebrate
Giving us hope
That God is in charge
Things will get better
There will be a brighter day
For you and me
The economy will flourish
I will find a better job
Get that education
That I always wanted
Our family will stay toghther
Stand the test of time
Newness of a baby
Gives birth to the most fragile
Creatures that is rarely born
The fairy creature Hope
Let me treasure it forever
Never extinguish it's life
So others might see
That God resides in me

Gray

2011-11-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

As I peer out my kitchen window
I see a cloak of gray
That is composed of an eerie fog
It blots out the first rays
Of the cheery yellow sun
Letting the night hang on
Just a little while longer
She rejoices in this
For it is perpetually hungry
Swallowing the creatures of the night
With out nary a sound
Leaving no trace that they where ever here
No body to put in the ground
The grave a sign that you where here
A memorial to the tortured life you lived
Forever a place to mourn
What will never be
I am so thankful that I've escaped
Even though I don't belong
To the entity that saved me
Which makes me sad
I think, Why me
How are others lost
When I am the one that was saved
Even though I live in the wreckage
Of my life's ship
I give thanks to the God above
For that privilege
I live with the horrors
Of the images of the life of the night
An unwanted familial relation
Hanging onto my every move
I try to forget during my waking moments
However,The stark remind is there in my face
When I see the fog hanging onto the day

2011-11-04T04:29:00.000-07:00

I am not satisfied
With what He gave
I have to have a little more
No rejoicing over the friends
For comfort and care
I want my family back now
Sharing of my gift to write
Happens on a daily basis
Yet here I am wanting more
I want to be published
To have acclaims to fame
No not me to be content
To brighten the corner where I am
Never am I happy
Satisfying my physiological need
For my body machine
Always panting for an extra serving
So God in His infinite wisdom
Sent me a Strong Sister
To match the Strength of my addiction
Learning the gift of moderation
I hunger and thirst to go back to school
He sent me a teacher man to be a friend
To show the greater precepts of the ultimate truths
God gave me the desire for more
Not to lust after the things
That the world can provide
How shallow they are
Like an empty pie
For the satisfaction
That only real foods can provide
Lord, let me always
Have a hunger for more of You

Baptism

2011-11-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

I've been baptized
In pain and blood
I carry it with me still
Always an annoying companions
That never leaves my side
Few can understand
Or want to comprehend
Wrap up in the cocoon
Of their selfish
I alleviate the pain
By giving pieces of my soul away
What do you mean
I try to do for others
The self absorption
In the heat of my addiction
Burned away natural affections
I stand alone
In this cold cruel world
Without succor or substance
Jesus my only true friend
So I look up
To follow his example
Or I try to do as He did
Of selfless service to others
To wash off the stain
Of blood and pain

Embarassed

2011-11-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

You tried to
But you failed miserably
What you did do
Was to enrage me
Like the matador
Waving the red flag
In front of the Bull
Even now hours later
I shake with barely contained rage
I put pen to paper
To let the demons
Out of the gilded cage
One of the worst things
That you could do to me
You have done with a vengeance
That soil can never ever
leave your filthy hands
I would have rather you
hit me with your fist
Your so called mission statement
is love heals
No that is not part of your constitution
You have added another brick
To the house of pain
In my battered soul
That I must carry around everyday
Thanks from the bottom of my heart
Gina

November

2011-11-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

Fall is rushing on
Football helmets crash
Leaves fall with each brush of the wind
Make big piles of them
So we can jump in
Coats are donned at the beginning of the day
To be disdained in the afternoon
You can see your breath in the morning
Heat later on in the day
That gives just a hint of Summer's fire
School bells ring
For children and adults
Time to hit the books hard
School is in full swing
Teachers smile at each concept learned
Only a few short weeks
Till Thanksgiving arrives
With a feast fit for a king
Remembering those that came before
That sacrificed so much
So we can hear the bells of freedom ring
Do we think of them
Or just our stomachs
On this important holiday
In the halls of your precious memories
Be thankful for the pilgrims
That make up your season of fall
Be thankful to God most of all